The relationship between a man and a woman is a truly tremendous work on both sides, with a lot of mistakes and attempts to solve problems. Relationships can give insane happiness or can lead to mental trauma. Sometimes we want unbearably to give up everything, and it happens because neither boys nor girls in childhood are taught healthy relationships between a man and a woman.
Entering into a relationship, we all sometimes make different mistakes. BUT, the main mistake is the idealization of partners by each other and the desire to seem ideal. In the days of the Internet and social networks, the problem of the gender relations is sharper than ever before.
What is the psychology of a relationship between a man and a woman?
Sometimes it seems that men and women come from different planets. They absolutely don’t understand each other’s feelings. Men try to distance themselves emotionally from relationships, and most feminines passionately seek them. Therefore, Dr. Thomas F. Fogarty – one of the nation’s leading family psychiatrists over the past 35 years – introduced such concepts as “distancer” and “pursuer”. Distancer is a man, while a woman is a pursuer.
Men hide their feelings from everyone and try to stay at a safe distance because they are afraid of being involved in a relationship. They are just running away from the dependence and obligation for fear and selfishness.
In this case, men can play the role of a persecutor at the beginning of the relationship with the aim of seducing a woman. However, if they begin to be frightened by the direction, intensity of the relationship or the rapidity of their development, they try to distance themselves. Their refusal pushes the woman to pursue, but as a woman goes to this step under the fear of breaking off the relationship, and not consciously, this leads to an even greater detachment of the man.
Why is everything so difficult? The fact is that the scenario of the future relationship has been established in childhood. Since the very childhood, mothers actively guard their sons. It’s difficult for them to allow their kids to grow on their own, but as a result, boys grow up and still leave them, experiencing a sense of guilt. Such men will escape from the relationship if the girl is too demanding, will begin to produce a sense of guilt for not satisfying her needs and not meeting her ideals. Most men are afraid of losing their independence and masculinity.
Any “distancer” runs away from obligations. For him, the highest values are freedom and independence. On the contrary, for “pursuer” such goals are close relations and partnership.
What is the difference between male and female psychology? Men are looking for solutions to problems, but women want to be listened to. If a man has a problem – he is trying to find an independent solution. In the case when it’s impossible to decide independently, the man consults with a person significant to him. He shares his problem to hear the opinion from a different point of view. Therefore, when an upset woman talks about something to a man, he thinks that she is looking for a solution. However, the woman, only-in-all wants to be listened to, she does not need a solution. But, the man tries to help, thereby moving away from him a woman (she doesn’t find his understanding).
The main complaint of men to women is that if a lady says “no”, then it means “yes”. They can’t understand when all the same “no” – it’s “no”, but when “yes.” Women are overly emotional and demanding for men. They try so hard to surround men with a care that they simply don’t leave them free space. Women always, when offended – falls silent and believes that men should guess the cause by themselves. And when men lose in this game called “guess why I’m offended”, they take offense even more and start to think that they are not appreciated and loved.
A woman always wants to talk about relationships, but the man is annoyed by. A woman is inclined to give everything that she has – warmth, care, attention and everything in unlimited quantity, thereby making a man feel guilty.
Women consider men cold and unfeeling, not striving to establish a strong bond, not interested in their feelings and thoughts. Men say “yes” to get rid of them, but in fact, they mean “no”. They are afraid of talking about any topic, if this doesn’t apply to football and beer 😉 A man avoids conflicts by any means and doesn’t want to discuss controversial situations. Men say one thing, but feel entirely different. They live by reason while ignoring feelings. However, the main claim of women to men is that they are selfish.
The typical mistakes of men against women are their inability to show their weaknesses. They try to be always strong and confident.
Many marriages break up only because the spouses consider the problems that necessarily arise in their relationship as something abnormal, loss of understanding and love. Although, in reality, the relationship simply goes along the path of progress, thereby growing up.
With the psychology of relations more or less clear, but what stages of relationships do we go through?
Stages of relationships
The relationship between the sexes begins with a sudden feeling, which, it seems to them, will never pass. However, after a while, they start to realize that they may have made a mistake in their forecasts and expectations, and the beloved person, who at first seemed so perfect, now only causes irritation.
Why does this happen? Why cannot love last forever? And what to do to preserve the relationship?
There are certain stages in the development of any relationship, after which the healthy relations between man and woman are born.
The first stage – falling in love
This period is characterized by short and romantic. However, it’s the most attractive scene. Among the people, it still carries the name – candy-bouquet period.
At this stage, people meet a person who causes them at the beginning only interest, which then rapidly develops into an attraction. After a while, not noticing how this happened, this person becomes the main thing in life. When you are near him/her, the world becomes brighter, and you are better. All thoughts revolve only around the beloved.
This condition is due not only to emotional stress alone, but also to a huge surge of hormones that significantly affect the perception of reality and brain activity.
The stage of falling in love usually lasts from six months to one and a half years, and then gradually disappears, emotions calm down, and the sense of reality comes first. It’s time for the next stage.
The second stage – satiety
This is some intermediate stage of relations, characterized by a loss of passion and a calm look at the overall situation. The partner is still of interest to us, but is no longer the only significant object of life.
This stage is characterized by the fact that people are beginning to realize that they have other interests as well. Only the past passions, from time to time, recalls the experience of the stage. Periodically, there is a desire to revive them, but even if this is possible, it’ll be for a short time. People realize that they can’t completely regain their previous experiences. This stage is inevitable; otherwise, a constant hormonal surge can lead to exhaustion of the body.
The third stage – rejection
It’s characterized by comprehension of all advantages and disadvantages of our partner. And here are the first hidden pitfalls. After all, we fell in love with a person, and we didn’t notice any shortcomings or didn’t care about them at the first stage. And now we are beginning to look at our choice with a note of bewilderment and doubting its fidelity at the same time.
At this stage, becomes a natural question: how could I not have noticed this before? Unfortunately, this is how people are structured, that the answer is only one – our partner used to pretend. Now the feeling of disappointment is mixed with a sense that you were unfairly deceived.
At this stage, the likelihood of a break in relations is very high. People don’t have enough wisdom and patience, strength and desire to work on the development of their relations. It’s easier to think that we initially have made a mistake with the choice and the next time such mistakes are not allowed. But, since we didn’t understand what the problem is, the next time our relationships will fail again.
This stage comes and develops more rapidly if we don’t just date, but living together. Household issues have not helped anyone to establish mutuality. If you have enough patience to survive this stage of development, then we move on to the next level.
The fourth stage – tolerance
Tolerance means the ability to perceive circumstances as they are, without trying to influence them violently. And it doesn’t mean you have to submit humbly. You just need to learn to accept the situation the way we accept the fact that the spring necessarily replaces the winter, and a day is replaced by night.
The partner must be perceived entirely, not dividing its quality into positive and negative ones. The previous stages of development are characterized by the perception of the partner as an ideal image. At the same stage, you should learn to see in the partner a living person with his aspirations and feelings.
All healthy relations between men and women are characterized by mutuality. Don’t try to remake the partner. You need to start with yourself. The only careful attitude of partners to each other will strengthen the relations; will become the guarantee of peace and family happiness.
The fifth stage – service
At this juncture, we don’t just learn to value each other as we are, but we also become at the service of our interests. Gradually we learn to give our love for free. This stage is characterized by a sense of joy from the opportunity to share with each other everything that you have. This is the stage of the adult position in marital relations and some kind of mutual exchange. After all, giving beloved your love, caring, affection, we inevitably cause him/her a similar response back.
The sixth stage – mutuality
At this phase, we respect each other not for any actual act or particular quality, but as a partner with the totality of its features and together experienced downturns and ups.
We’re accepting our partner as a personality with understanding its value. Gradually, along with respect and understanding, growing the trust to the partner, as to a person who’ll never let you down.
The seventh stage – true love
This is no longer the all-absorbing feeling that has arisen at the very beginning, but a deep measured one. The partner becomes the greatest value, the source of endless joy, happiness and discovery. This is not a passion, but a kinship of souls.
The relationship has reached a new level at this stage. Partners become each other more than spouses and friends – they become truly native people.
Now we know “how it is”, but where does it all begin?
The beginning of the relationship between a man and a woman
We have already learned earlier that “the relationship between the partners starts with a sudden feeling”, but what caused that?
The relationship between a man and a woman, a boyfriend and a girl can begin for several reasons.
The first reason is love or sympathy. The next one is a logical choice, when people, at a particular stage of development, decide to start a family consciously. Also, very often the intimate relationship becomes the engine of further relationships. However, regardless of the reasons for the beginning of the relationship – they already exist, and they should be somehow built further.
It’s important to remember that relationship, first of all, should give joy, bring satisfaction, a sense of happiness and inner peace. Relations, in the beginning, should be easy!
Therefore, it’s critical to observe our feelings in the process of developing relationships. If initially, you are not comfortable with a partner, communication and meetings bring more frustration and disappointment than joy – you should think about whether you need to continue this relationship.
In the ability to build healthy harmonious relationships lies the secret of happiness and success of people.
So, you met a man who likes you, and you like him. How can we further develop relations so as not to spoil them?!
First of all, you need to remember that you are two separate individuals, with your habits, inclinations, interests, preferences, etc. It’s necessary to understand that if you are two whole persons, then you have the right to a part of your life, separate from your partner. Don’t completely dissolve in a partner.
It’s not worthwhile to take for the truth the conventional wisdom that love is when lovers are the two halves of one whole. Every person is a whole person.
Okay… And how all of this can be developed further?
Development of relationships
There are several types of relationships between a man and a woman: partnerships, home relationships, matriarchal or patriarchal relationships, and inspirational relationships.
With partnerships, the relations are built on equal rights and responsibilities. Such relationships are characterized by the possibility of always agreeing in a relaxed atmosphere. There, a man and a woman are active, they both strive for development and self-development. Along with this, it’s important for them to find themselves and successfully realize in the work. In those families, household chores are usually handled by housekeepers.
In this kind of relationship between wife and husband, there is a strict agreement and division of responsibilities. Most often, such pairs have a separate budget.
The main threat is transforming relations into purely material ones. After all, a woman, regardless of existing arrangements, dreams to achieve emotional intimacy with a man; that he would take care of her, not according to “schedule”, but at will. The majority of men are partners. That’s why they don’t hurry to take the initiative.
In such circumstances, a woman becomes the leader. It all starts with thinking about how to hold a joint romantic dinner and ends with planning for tasks that are more serious: buying a new home, moving to a new place, choosing a school, etc. Sometimes such an initiative of a woman can lead to conflicts, and ultimately, to a divorce.
Therefore, before marriage, it’s necessary to discuss with the partner views on family relations; learn his position on the issues that you care about, ask about his expectations.
Home relationships are characterized by a close relationship, in which love is dominating, and everything else is in the background. In such unions, career, success, self-improvement, achievement of any social heights or goals are absolutely not important.
Such couples derive energy from each other and from their relationships. In their lives, love, home comfort, and coziness are dominating. People in this union, as a rule, are quite sensual natures. They aren’t looking for contact from the outside.
Possible difficulties are the threat of devastation. Relations can go completely to the common plane, and the habit of co-hosting evenings is transformed into a daily necessity.
That connection can be saved by the presence of any common hobby, for example, you can do business together.
Matriarchal relations are characterized by the domination of women. She is a strong, purposeful and active person. The husband has a softer character; he doesn’t want to make a career and gravitates toward home comfort. In such alliance, usually both partners work, but the husband earns less money in most cases. In addition, all important decisions are made by the wife.
However, if a woman is smart enough and wants to maintain and strengthen relationships, then she can create a feeling as a man is a leader. Such an alliance can be harmonious if both partners are comfortable with it and there are no mutual reproaches. BUT, if a woman blames a man for his lack of initiative, he will start looking for opportunities to increase his self-esteem, which may end badly.
Patriarchal relations are characterized by the domination of men, where a woman is the rear of the family, and the husband is the head of the household. He takes any decisions. Children and the wife are under his control, and the woman is given the role of the organizer of everyday life.
In this connection, the woman doesn’t have to choose between a family and work; for her, the family will be more priority. Problems can be arisen if a man starts to treat consumerly with his wife, underestimates her work, which in the future can lead to intrapersonal conflict.
Inspiring relationships are characterized by the woman’s exciting position. She can be a muse for an artist or an ideological inspirer for a politician. In such alliance, the man is the chief, but his self-realization depends entirely on the woman. He is not interested in winning, he does everything only for her.
The main problem is the possible withdrawal of the husband if a woman ceases to inspire him.
And where is the love relationship, you can ask?
Love relationships are an integral part of all the relationships described above. Sorry for the pun.
They don’t mean only sex. The love affair is much deeper, more interesting, more serious and more dangerous. Of course, intimate relationships – this is a huge part of life, but still a part. Obviously, sex is a component of the connection between a man and a woman, and not vice versa. Relationships will never be a part of intimacy.
If there is no happiness in the love relationship, then there will be no happiness in life at all.
What is happiness in family relationships? Most often, women and men represent family happiness in different ways. For women, a happy union is when a man is gentle and caring, when he takes responsibility, when he doesn’t notice other females, takes seriously every desire and request, and much more.
Women require men to worship themselves entirely. However, to implement all of that is quite difficult for a man. Men find it hard to talk to women the way they like. They don’t understand how they will be responsible for a person who is more unpredictable than they are. Men never know what to expect from a female. Hence, the following conclusion suggested – all, what is happiness for a woman, for a man is a problem.
It turns out that a man must lose himself and become unhappy. Is this honestly? How can the misfortune of the one bring happiness to another? No way…
What is the concept of “a happy love relationship with a woman” for a man? A woman must take care of him and his well-being. She should always be calm and patient. In the first place, for a woman, there should always be a man, and then children.
These are typical mistakes of men against women. They think that they’ll become happy with such women. However, is it really so? Women can not be calm because they are controlled by emotions. They like changes. If the beautiful part of humanity, for at least a week, being what men want to see – a man will just die from boredom.
Returning to the very beginning, women and men are like the inhabitants of different planets. Understanding “happiness” is entirely opposite, but it doesn’t mean that they cannot together build harmonious and comfortable relations based on trust, respect, understanding, and love. Any relationship needs to be learned how we learn activities in the process of growing up.
It so happened that women don’t understand or don’t want to know men, but all of them require understanding from men. Women believe that for a healthy relationship is enough if a man will understand them. A woman doesn’t care what a man wants. In most cases, they are convinced that for any man, the most important thing is sex.
And what about men? Men… They don’t try to understand a woman, they absolutely don’t care about her inner world, so they easily manage all their manipulations to feel at least someone necessary. Men have to see in a woman, first of all, a person, and not an object of passion. A woman for a man should become a loving best friend, an ideological mastermind, a mistress and a partner.
Don’t forget that love relationships are the best soil for personal growth. It’s necessary to understand what will become an engine in the direction of self-improvement or turn into a pit where grievances and unfulfilled desires depend only on you two.
As you can see, before you reach a healthy relationship you’ll need to go through several stages.
At the same time, the main thing that you should remember is: many couples break up only because the partners consider the problems that necessarily arise in the course of developing their relationship by something abnormal, loss of understanding. Although in reality, relations simply go along the path of progress, thereby growing up.
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