How to find yourself? Write a letter!
That is the question we ask ourselves when feeling lost and alone. I would like to share with you a wonderful story and little practice from a family relationship psychologist Svetlana Roiz, which helped me in a difficult situation and could help you as well.
Here is the story:
Today on the way home I met a friend. I was pleased with her completely new look. Some kind of new peace and grace. We spoke to each other several years ago. She wanted to understand what is constantly happening in her relationship. “I’m trying so hard.”And then we saw that in each new relationship she tried to correct the “mistakes” of the previous ones. Giving partners what, in her opinion, did not receive “attempts number 1-2-3 …”. And these new partners, as it turned out, did not need at all what they were trying to “give”. On the contrary, they tiered from “more sex”, “more emotion”, “more rationality”, “more thrift.” They did not want to be “the memory of the other.”
And it turns out that she did not have the opportunity to be in contact with Them, with reality, because she “tried” not for them, but a permanent imaginary image of an “ideal man”.
We then talked about the fact that, perhaps, this is a dead-end way of going forward, looking back, identifying a new partner with an old one, overlaying and overlaying relationships in layers. In fact, seeing not the partner, but the First man whom she tried to prove that she is good and can be loved.
I asked her then – what if – you were not mistaken in the relationship? You didn’t need to correct mistakes at all. What if you were looking for yourself through these men?
When did you ever feel whole, “good enough”? – she thought and named a very early age. And you know what? we came up with a practice for her – she started writing letters to herself – a little girl. On behalf of myself – an adult. I wrote letters and drew pictures … She told me today how she felt with each letter and drawing that this girl, her inner girl, was growing up. To some “age” she wrote one letter, to some “girl” – a lot…
it became her ritual – dating herself.
And then, after a while, she came to her dad’s birthday. Her dad suddenly, unexpectedly, for the first time in his entire life, said how proud he was of her, how he always admired her, how worried about her. For the first time in his life, he said that he loved her. Together they saw her childhood photos for the first time. And suddenly for the first time, she saw how good she was in these photographs. Without this – a little fewer priests, a little straighter teeth, and constant “error corrections.” And she felt how calm inside her. I don’t know how her life will develop further. But she is definitely not looking for and does not prove, and does not “finish”. And she is calm and graceful.
We should tell our children – boys and girls – about Love. Let them feel like “good enough” next to us.
And also – that we – adults – at any age – can do so much for ourselves, at least we can write ourselves a letter. And we can try to see our partners – real 🙂