Divorce is filled with grief because it’s a sort of death. It’s the death of a family unit, a structure, a way of being, a way of having a self in the world. (Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D.) It is a hard process for all family members and especially for children who often direct the guilt or other negative feelings inward and blame themselves. So, how parents could help adapt to a new reality and make the divorce process easier for children? 11 leading psychotherapists and mental health experts were kindly agreed to contribute their wisdom about How Do I Help My Child Who Is Struggling in a Divorce?
Table of Contents
- 1 Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D.
- 2 Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D.
- 3 Danielle M. Dick, Ph.D.
- 4 Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.
- 5 Jennifer Lock Oman, LISW, BCD
- 6 David Rettew, MD.
- 7 Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS
- 8 Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W.
- 9 Shari Botwin, LCSW
- 10 Asha Shajahan, MD, MHSA
- 11 Fern Schumer Chapman
- 12 IF YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE VISIT OUR ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D.

Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D. is a Professor Emerita in the Department of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame, hosts EvolvedNest.org. In 2020, she was identified as one of the top 2% of scientists worldwide in a recent analysis of 8 million scientists around the world.
How do I help my child who is struggling in a divorce?
Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D.

Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D., is a professor of sociology at the University of South Carolina-Beaufort. She is the author of Welcome to Wherever We Are: A Memoir of Family, Caregiving, and Redemption (Rutgers University Press, 2020).
How do I help my child who is struggling in a divorce?
Danielle M. Dick, Ph.D.

Book website: TheChildCode.com
Personal website: DanielleDick.com
Danielle M. Dick, Ph.D., is a tenured Professor of Psychiatry at Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, where she serves as the inaugural director of the Rutgers Addiction Research Center and holds the Greg Brown Endowed Chair in Neuroscience. She is an internationally recognized and award-winning expert on genetic and environmental influences on human behavior. The author of The Child Code: Understanding your child’s unique nature for happier, more effective parenting.
Most parents recognize there is a problem child’s behavior changes after divorce; for example, when your extroverted child no longer wants to spend time with friends. But many parents don’t realize that environmental stressors can also exaggerate kids’ natural tendencies. Kids who are more introverted may need more time alone to process their feelings. Kids who are more emotional maybe even more distressed, upset, or easily frustrated than typical. Kids who are low on self-control may respond with more impulsive behavior.
When parents are going through a divorce, often they are experiencing their own heightened stress, which can make children’s exaggerated behaviors challenging for parents, especially when it’s not readily apparent that the behavior is a reflection of the child’s response to the divorce. Parents’ natural tendency may be to respond with punishment. This can have the unintended effect of making the behavior worse, and the transition more stressful for all involved.
It’s important for parents to realize that children need extra support, patience, and love during a divorce. This is the time to give everyone a break. Focus first on building a close and open relationship with your child. Work collaboratively on challenges that are arising at home and problem-solve together. Divorce can make kids feel like their world is unpredictable. Kids need to know more than ever that you’re there for them, even when they’re not being their best selves.
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.

Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker, licensed Couple & Family Therapist, and an international trainer and facilitator. He is also a seasoned theater improvisation performer and teacher and served as the artistic director of The Or Chozer Playback Theatre company for over a decade.
Dr. Romanelli is the founder and co-director (with his wife Galit) of The Potential State Institute For Enriching Relationships, which integrates therapy, art and education to create safe spaces for people to connect to themselves and others. Over the past two decades, Assael has worked with hundreds of individuals, couples, families, and organizations all over the world, helping them feel free in their relationships. Assael publishes content regularly on his popular blog on Psychology Today, as well as The Potential State Podcast and YouTube channel. He offers online zoom counseling for individuals, couples, and families.
How do I help my child who is struggling with divorce?
As a couple therapist, I get asked that question all the time when couples decide to divorce.
The first thing I want to remind you is that divorcing doesn’t automatically mess up your child. Assuming you did the work and tried to make things improve, Divorce does not equate to failure. I believe that the best gift we can give our children are happy, fulfilled parents. And staying together “just for the kids’ sake” or waiting “till they leave home” is the wrong motivation to stay together. Here are some tips that a good to keep in mind:
1. Hold on to co-parenting. Constantly remind yourself, your ex-partner, and your children that you two will be forever their parents, even if you are no longer lovers. Remind yourselves that every day in order to remember to operate from your best self when around your kids.
2. Contain your guilt. We all scar our children regardless of what we do. Those abrasions shape our children to become the person they will become. By divorcing you aren’t ‘ruining’ your child, so no need to be guilt-ridden. If you let your guilt control you, you’ll lose your parental integrity. Guilt-ridden parents try to cheer up the wounded child by either overcompensating with gifts and/or too lenient boundaries. a. You can contain your guilt by talking to a friend, therapist, mentor, or coach. Find a safe place to sublimate all your tough feelings, especially guilt so you won’t act it out on your children.
3. Minimize triangulation. Triangulation is when you consciously or unconsciously enlist a child into your dynamic with your ex-partner. This is frequently done by badmouthing your ex, letting them overhear your gossiping about your ex, or transmitting messages to your ex through them.
4. Share your feelings. Don’t pretend all is well. Be clear and transparent. Share your fears, sadness, relief, even joy. Share in a way that is age-appropriate without burdening them too much with behind the scenes. Why? So you can validate what they intuitively and implicitly sense from you. If you fake it, then your kids will repress their natural, healthy intuition.
5. Remain playful and open about the divorce. The best way we can prevent our kids from feeling shame about the divorce is to maintain an open, honest, even playful conversation about the divorce. That way kids know that it’s not a secret, a taboo, or something they should be ashamed of.
a. Remind them again and again that it’s not because of them. Kids are egocentric in the sense that in their imagination they might blame themselves for the divorce.
b. Initiate conversations about the divorce with your children. Just because they’re not asking you, doesn’t mean they’re not dwelling in it. So especially in the early days of the separation, initiate regular casual conversations with them to see where they are and what’s coming up for them.
6. Live your life happily. The best way you can help your child is to be happy, fulfilled, present, curious, and playful. Create new memories looking forward, not just looking back. There is no perfect list or book on how to help your child through your divorce. The best list is the one you’ll create with your children.
Jennifer Lock Oman, LISW, BCD

Jennifer Lock Oman is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience in the mental health field and an expert in therapy with individuals, couples, and families. Lock Oman is a published writer and graduate-level adjunct instructor. She has taught graduate courses at the University of Iowa and has written a popular, nationally distributed column published by Gannett News Syndicate.
David Rettew, MD.

David Rettew, M.D., is a child and adolescent psychiatrist and Medical Director of Lane County Behavioral Health in Eugene, Oregon. The author of the great book “Parenting Made Complicated: What Science Really Knows about the Greatest Debates of Early Childhood” Dr. Rettew has over 100 published journal articles, chapters, and scientific abstracts on various child mental health topics. He is also co-chair of the Prevention and Health Promotion Committee of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. He is married and the father of three boys.
How do I help my child who is struggling in a divorce?
Parental divorce and separation is significant stressor on children of all ages. If done thoughtfully and with their best interest in mind, however, most kids are able to get through the transition without long-lasting negative effects.
The best ways to help children through a divorce will be different for different kids, but research on divorce and children have identified some important factors that predict which children are more likely to adapt well after the transition.
While it seems unfair, the data tell us that one of the strongest predictors of how well a child functions after a major stressor is how well the child was functioning before the stressor. This means that if you have a child who is already struggling with their behavior, a parental divorce might be particularly tough. For these kids, you may want to have a low threshold for getting some help from a counselor or psychotherapist. You might also, if possible, consider separation arrangements that are less disruptive to children, such as having the child stay in the same home while the parents take turns living there.
Another common piece of advice that is commonly heard but can be easier said than done is not throwing your child in the middle of your conflict. Children need parents that they can love and respect. You may have very legitimate anger towards the other parent, but actively voicing the criticism of your ex to your child only creates a kind of “mutually assured destruction” of both parents that ends up hurting everyone’s relationship. Parents should take care of their own wellness and mental health, but your child should not function as your therapist or outlet to vent your frustrations. You really want to avoid the situation of a child having to defend you when with your ex and having to defend your ex when they are with you.
Research also tells us that while overall parenting quality is always important, it is especially important after parental separation and divorce. Children who receive a parenting style that is often referred to as authoritative parenting and that combines lots of support, good communication, and warmth with reasonable limits and structuring appear to do better after a divorce. This style can be hard to do for a parent who has just gone through a divorce and who feels like there just isn’t much in the tank to give and is another reason for parents to seek out the support they need during this challenging time.
Another important predictive factor for children who do better after a divorce relates to a lower level of post-separation conflict. In some cases, high parental conflict can be a reason that parents separate and this separation can be beneficial in reducing the amount of arguing and yelling that kids experience. In other cases, the separation itself introduces a lot of new conflict and parents should try to minimize their child’s exposure to it
Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS

https://www.kaytlyngillislcsw.com/
Kaytee Gillis is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker/psychotherapist, author, and advocate. She has been practicing therapy in the mental health field for over 10 years. Her specialties and focus areas include Domestic violence, family trauma, and intimate partner abuse, especially in the cases of psychological abuse (in some cases known as narcissistic abuse).
Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W.

Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W., is the author of 11 books, has also published over 300 magazine and journal articles, and has contributed several book chapters, including Favorite Counseling Techniques: 55 Masters Share Their Secrets, which cited him among the top 100 therapists in the country.
How do I help my child who is struggling in a divorce?
Shari Botwin, LCSW

Asha Shajahan, MD, MHSA

How do I help my child who is struggling with divorce?
Fern Schumer Chapman

Fern Schumer Chapman is a former reporter for the Chicago Tribune and Forbes magazine. Her work also has appeared in the Washington Post, US News & World Report, Fortune, and The Wall Street Journal. The Author of the book “Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation” considers the importance of sibling support during the divorce process.
By promoting strong sibling relationships, parents can help to buffer, protect, and mitigate their children from some of the most harmful effects of divorce, according to a study by H. R. Riggio in 2001.
Encourage your children to lean into their sibling relationships.
The great value of the sibling relationship is under-recognized and under-examined. The research that does exist shows that, typically, children experience anxiety, depression, and anger immediately following a divorce, however, strong sibling relationships can help to mitigate some of these feelings. Sisters and brothers can derive strength and support from each other during divorce through their consistent, everyday involvement and interactions.
Siblings typically spend more time together than with anyone else; for the fortunate, those relationships may continue for eighty years, outlasting most friendships, marriages, and even relationships with parents. In childhood, brothers and sisters are our first playmates, instilling in one another necessary social qualities—tolerance, generosity, loyalty—that eventually affect relationships with friends, colleagues, and lovers.
Studies show the importance of sibling relationships over a life:
Adolescents who perceived that their siblings validated their beliefs and feelings reported higher levels of self‐esteem.
Sibling support and a strong sibling relationship are correlated with better academic performance.
For children at risk of poverty, family discord, parental mental illness, or divorce, having an emotionally stable person, like an older sibling, improved their chances of becoming a well‐adjusted adults.
Sibling support and closeness were associated with less loneliness, lower levels of depression, and greater satisfaction later in life.
Divorcing parents should be careful not to undermine their children’s adjustment to their new reality by showing favoritism, abandoning their children, or disrupting their communication. These actions also can negatively affect the sibling relationship.
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